Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bad Jeans = Bad Posture

For as long as I can remember, the belt on my jeans has rested on the top of my hipbones. I must be the "average build" that jeans designers have in mind, because I've never had a problem with "Plumber's Crack", or any other denim-design flaw. No reason for me to be adventurous, either - the Jordache jeans with the little horsey stitched into the change pocket was fun in the early 80s, but since then I've been happy with 501s, or (more likely) their closest generic knock-off.

Recently, for some reason that escapes me now, I bought a pair of jeans designed to be buckled around my actual waist (roughly 1 inch below my bellybutton). "They ride a little higher than usual," was my wife's tactful comment. She was also quick to add, "They look okay - really." I looked in the mirror and wondered what possessed me. At best, I felt like the scary dude on those Bantam Doc Savage covers. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. At best, I felt like Jerry Seinfeld sans fame, fortune and sex appeal.

Then there's the posture issue. Posture is something I have to pay attention to under the very best conditions, but these jeans make it almost impossible to imagine "the string pulling you from the top of your spine", or "the book on the head" or any of the other inner-visual clues I'm supposed to remember. These jeans are built for slouching, and that's just what I'll do. It's the high waist. Show me one vintage picture from the day when men buckled their pants below their armpits, and I'll show you a picture of a guy with execrable posture. Just look at Bogie, here. He's got a gat, and he's got the girl (not just any girl, either, but the whistle-inducing Bacal) - and he still can't find it in himself to stand tall. (Now that I think of it, even Doc's posture could use a little help. Bring those shoulders back and tilt your chin up, Clarke!)

That was certainly a part of Bogie's charm, but it's not a look I can pull off. Better for me to donate these jeans to Goodwill, and beat a hasty retreat to the box-store clothier, while it's still warm enough to wear shorts.


DarkoV said...

I think it was your wife's really that hopefully had you ransacking your closet for a shirt that could be appropriately ripped and "adjusted" a la Doc Savage to complete your look. If not that, then it's time to buy a piece and carry it around (unloaded, of course) at a 90 degree cocked arm angle. Well, at least when you're pantallooned in that manner.
Look at it this way, this new look may scare off those local miscreants you'd mentioned in the past that were snivelling around your garage.
And, while we're talking about the garage, if you had Ms. Bacall parked on your gat-holding arm, your pants would have to be, ummm, accomodating...if the drift is catchable.

Trent Reimer said...

I'll second on the shirt issue - don't think about it, just do it! The missus will clam up about the pants in no time.

Unlike you I do get the plumber's crack. Undoubtedly most women find it incredibly sexy but my shy demenour just isn't comfortable with my cheeks smiling at every passer by. Maybe we can arrange a jeans-swap?

Whisky Prajer said...

These are all very disturbing suggestions. The sight of me in my pants and a torn shirt would certainly scare the locals, but not nearly so much as the sight of me carrying a piece, loaded or otherwise. Either one of these options would land me in a padded room (or box)!

As for pants accomodating the touch of Ms. Bacall, that must be why Bogie looks so glum.

Cowtown Pattie said...

Everytime I see a plumbing incident, I immediately think of the Saturday Night Live skit with Bill Murray and Gilda Radner.

As to the jeans dilemma - real men wear Wranglers - tight, creased, and starched enough to be used as tent spikes in an emergency...

Whisky Prajer said...

Hmm. Looks like I missed with the "tight, creased, and starched" bit.